Hearing or listening? | ||
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How well do you
listen?
People like to think that they listen. But
do they really?
Listening may sound quite straightforward, but people are often very
self-absorbed.
They do not really listen. Instead of paying attention, they
talk. Their
awareness is selective.
Are you just hearing?
Instead of listening, people are often
distracted, filtering what they hear, judging, daydreaming, fidgeting or
rehearsing what they are going to say next.
Impatience, selfishness and greed make people restless and bored.
Hearing is easy but listening is a skill.
Awareness is like living
with a snake in the room;
you watch its every movement,
you are very, very sensitive to the slightest sound it makes.
(Krishnamurti)
Calm and
quiet inside
Listening takes composure. You need to be quiet inside. Receptive.
Open. Flexible. You need to pay full attention
and not get distracted. Humility and
patience are paramount.
Wait. Allow the other person to say what it is they wish to convey...
Poor attention span
Technology has shaped
consciousness.
People have become an easily distracted society
with very short attention spans.
Stagnation,
intellectual decline and an increase in apathy
are the unfortunate side-effects of a reduced capacity to pay
attention.
What about me?
People usually pay attention relative to their own
agenda.
If something pertains directly to their
life, their
interests,
their self-image - then they
pay greater attention.
How noisy is it inside your head?
Some people actually talk inside
their heads... Instead of paying attention to what is being said, they
talk to themselves.
It is not possible to be fully conscious
of the moment and whilst there are verbalised thoughts chattering away in your head.
Vacant
Try working with somebody who is not fully present... They seem distracted, slow, listless. Not
attentive. They have difficulty following a line of reasoning or a train of
thought.
They are not really
listening to what is being said.
There is a certain vacancy in their eyes. Or a look
of inward anxiety; a
deeply neurotic
urgency of purpose.
The root of ignorance itself is our minds habitual tendency to distraction.
(Sogyal Rinpoche)
Filtering
Consider this: a tai chi teacher offers their lesson
and the student interprets the teaching in terms of themselves.
They decide what to listen to. What to ignore. What to prioritise.
This is foolish. It actively impedes learning. How can a student -
with no
grasp of the curriculum - possibly determine what is important and what is not?
Spacing out
Modern people are seldom fully present.
They often try to 'multi-task'.
Even when there are no obvious, visible distractions, they somehow manage to be
elsewhere.
They are lost in thought, talking
inwardly, problem solving, spacing out or otherwise
distracting themselves.
A listless mind struggles to learn. It drifts, daydreams and fails to engage
with what is occurring.
Dozy
Somebody who isn't really listening makes a lot of
mistakes. Instead of giving the teacher/the lesson
their full attention, they are only partially listening.
The student is very hard to teach. They make the exact same
mistakes again and again and again.
Nothing is being learned from the mistakes
because they aren't really paying attention.
Similarly, important corrections are wasted,
since the student doesn't implement them or really
recall what they were.
Poor memory?
A lot of adults worry about problems with
their memory. But is there really a problem with
the memory itself? Perhaps the issue is the habit
of poor attention.
If you
expose yourself to gossip,
trivia and information that
has absolutely no bearing on your day-to-day life, your mind will be noisy.
It is filled with clutter.
Worrying, watching the clock or
thinking about something else is
not going to help you remember things too well.
Think about it... if you aren't even listening or you are daydreaming, what exactly
are you trying to remember at a later date? The activity itself, the train of
thought or the daydream?
Conclusions
People often enter situations with a
preconception of what is going to
take place. They are waiting to have their
expectations fulfilled.
But, if you begin with a conclusion, there is
no investigation, no
discovery, no learning.
To think that you have all the answers is to operate within the field of the
known, the past, the old.
This is not 'open' to new ideas, insights,
perspectives or perceptions.
It is not even intelligent.
It is simplistic,
arrogant and self-serving. It stops you from
really listening.
He did each single thing as if he did nothing else.
(Charles Dickens)
Hearing what you want to hear...
Sometimes people ignore what they don't
agree with or don't want to
listen to. This is naive. And ignorant.
A good example is Dr Michael Greger (author of How Not To
Die) recommends 90 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise every day.
How many people read Dr Greger's expert advice and immediately dismiss
it?
Are you personally an expert?
It is wise to consider the origin of Dr Greger's advice. He's not saying
it to be bossy or unreasonable. His insight is the outcome of many years of
professional research, exploration and study.
His suggestion echoes what three doctors wrote in The
Okinawa Program after an exhaustive 25 years of study and
practical research.
Now ask yourself a single important question: given that four doctors are
giving professional advice backed up by many years of experience,
who are
you to simply dismiss it? And on what grounds?
Have you any professional, provable basis to debunk these doctors?
Conversation
Conversation is a skill.
It serves to convey thoughts, feelings, ideas, emotions. It can educate, seduce,
entertain or amuse.
Words are ambiguous and deceptive, playful and interesting.
We are free to explore nuance and meaning.
Given the opportunity for wit and humour, it seems sad to squander it
by not actually listening. How are we hoping to interact with the other
person?
Learning
Learning requires sustained attention. When the mind begins to settle, reality begins to
seem a whole lot more interesting.
The need for outside entertainment decreases.
Simple, everyday things become curious.
We realise how little we know, how limited
our understanding. Instead of seeking answers far and wide, we look
closer.
We go deeper.
We also begin to see what is right there on the
surface, right in front of us.
We actually listen to what is being
said.
Active listening skills
Listening skills are quite easy to cultivate. It
just takes a little practice:
Eyes looking at the person talking to you
Mouth closed
Hands relaxed and still
Feet relaxed and still
Don't interpret, analyse or filter
Aim to avoid judging, stereotyping, rehearsing, distractions, preconceptions and daydreaming
Focus exclusively upon what is being said
Pay attention to the emotional tone
Listen for the purpose, the message, facts, references, ideas and instructions
Once the person has finished speaking, determine what sort of reply is appropriate or necessary.
Listen rather than
question
Often tai chi students ask too many questions. If
they had listened properly in the first place, they would realise that they
already possess the answer.
Their own impatience and inattentiveness impede learning. Rather than
listen, they are merely waiting for the opportunity to say something.
The student fails to see the nature of their folly: they have
paid to be taught and are wasting that opportunity by
talking rather than listening.
Also, the smarter student would want to
discover the answer for themselves.
The road to the precious capital
is not for the inattentive.
(Loy Ching Yuen)
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Page created
1 August 1998
Last updated
16 June 2023
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