Manners | ||
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Protocol/tradition/formality
The danger with 'manners' is that people often think immediately of protocol,
tradition and formality.
When you interact with people who work in the service industries it is likely
that you will encounter the appearance of manners.
The appearance of manners has no substance.
Such manners are merely a
professional job requirement.
They represent a superficial act: a formality.
Insincerity
Phoney behaviour is insincere.
It has no integrity.
Protocol is a shield that people hide behind. It enables them to wear a mask and
play a part.
Consideration
Real manners stem from sensitivity, respect and consideration.
They are not something you can learn by rote.
Addressing the instructor
The term 'sifu' is similar in some ways to the Japanese title 'sensei'.
A sensei is a
black belt exponent of at least 3rd
dan (sandan).
Sensei teaches the class.
Sifu
is the correct form of address when talking to the founder of a tai chi
class.
Gratitude
In thanking somebody, be direct and honest.
But do not make too much of
your gratitude.
If you fuss, you may embarrass the giver and your gratitude will seem
insincere. A pantomime.
Earnest behaviour is always best.
Make your thanks brief and meaningful.
The problem with rudeness
Modern people often take others for granted. In fact, it is perhaps the
norm.
There is an Asian saying: "One face for giving and
one face for taking".
This applies nicely.
The danger with being friendly only when you want something is that the giver
soon notices... and pretty soon begins to withdraw.
Subtly, but over time, quite noticeably.
Tact
What is 'tact'?
It is the art of avoiding offence.
Tact is a hard quality to cultivate.
If you are overly tactful, you run the risk
of becoming phoney.
If you lack tact entirely, you will insult people without realising it.
Cautious?
Perhaps the skill is to avoid controversy and opinion?
Get to know the person you are talking to before venturing anything potentially
offensive?
The danger with tact is that you do not want to censor yourself entirely for
fear of upsetting somebody.
The truth is that you will always upset someone.
What offends one person will most likely not offend another. We all have
different values. Maybe the main thing is to avoid being deliberately contentious?
A sense of humour helps.
Sparing pain
Tact can also involve withholding information.
This should not be undertaken with the intention of deceit, but rather to spare
hurt or unnecessary concern.
Sincere
How do you define 'good manners'?
This is inevitably going to vary from person
to person.
What should not vary is the importance of sincerity.
Being genuine and real is
always significant.
Phoney behaviour represents a desire to 'play' somebody, and this is an
unpleasant motive.
Polite
Being polite takes very little effort.
It is not about remembering to behave a certain way.
It is about listening.
It is about respect. It is about being patient.
Listen
When you listen to someone, your attention should be entirely upon them and you
should be mindful of their needs and character.
Do not sit waiting for your turn to speak.
Be fully engaged with the other person - absorb what they are saying, notice the
message, the gaps and the omissions.
Be aware of body language and intent.
Respect
Everyone deserves your respect, even people who do little to earn it.
When you show respect to every person you encounter, you encourage reciprocal
conduct.
You lose nothing by being respectful.
By being honest and open. Genuine and
direct. Real.
Patience
Patience is becoming more scarce in modern society. Yet, it is such a
valuable commodity.
It arises from awareness and understanding.
From realising that things unfold in their own time and cannot be
forced or
bullied into being.
Wait
Patience grows from waiting.
Nature has its own rhythm and its own timing.
Only the calm, composed person will see this and respond accordingly.
Allowing things to happen is essential.
Quiet detachment.
The willingness to follow the changes. Attention.
Awareness.
Insight.
VIP?
People are often willing to mess other people about.
They make and break commitments, they fail to turn up when they've arranged to be
someplace. What message is the 'reneger' giving?
That their time is more important than yours, that their responsibilities,
concerns and interests take priority. Not very polite...
Good manners have much to do with emotions.
To make them ring true, one must feel them, not merely exhibit them.
(Amy Vanderbilt)
Page created
18 March 1997
Last updated
16 June 2023
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